“Increased self-awareness begins with a commitment to look inside ourselves.”
~ Will Schultz
I believe everyone is doing the best they can in relationships at any given moment given their current level of awareness, skills, experience and knowledge. If this is true why does some people’s behavior often affect us the way it does? There are any number of reasons. Here are a few:
- We have specific expectations of them.
- We have our own “stuff” (psychological and emotional issues) that we are dealing with.
- We have more or less of a history with the person. (Some of it positive and some of it negative.)
- We have an erroneous definition of faults.
- We are masters at projection and mirroring.
- We don’t take the responsibility for our contribution to the problems or issues.
If there is an inconsistency between a person’s words and the emotional message that is behind their words, the emotional message will always be a more accurate reflection of where they are in consciousness (feeling, thinking, believing etc.) than the words they use. The reason for this is – that the spoken word is generally a conscious act while emotional behavior is generally an unconscious act. Note I said – generally. People can consciously behave in certain ways because they are trying to send a specific message to the other person. Someone may say for example, “I love you” but their behavior or actions are totally contradictory to their words.
How can you know what a person’s real intent is? You must pay close attention to all of the subtle as well as more evident non-verbal signals and clues they send as well as their behavior.
Sometimes it does no good whatsoever to ask them, because if they wanted you to really know what’s really going on in their mind or heart, they would be telling you the truth in the first place.
I am not much of a television watcher, but a few years ago while flipping through the channels, (I have a male reputation to live up to here) I stopped for a few minutes to an evening sitcom. The wife was saying, “what are you thinking?” The husband responded, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking I would be talking.” (Not necessarily true!)
Real intent and behavior or action is the crux of all unconscious feelings, beliefs, values, expectations etc. We may do our best to mask our real feelings, attitudes, judgments, prejudices or issues but sooner or later our behaviors will give us away. The question is – are you paying close attention to only the words of other people or are you tuned in to their actions.
The other side of this complicated issue is when we send certain signals to others hoping the person will catch our meaning or intent helping us avoid the need for the words that we may be unwilling or unable to say, for whatever reason. The problem is that most people pay more accurate attention to the words that are used in relationships and less to the emotions, feelings and other various non-verbal clues and actions.
It takes a vulnerable, safe, open and honest relationship that is free of judgment, criticism and retribution to always know what the other person’s real intent or desire is. Learn to stay focused in the present, resist the tendency to look for what you want to see or hear or hope is there. Getting broad-sided in a relationship is never an accident or should never be a surprise for anyone. If it is, they weren’t paying attention. Congruency between intent and behavior can lead to intimacy and harmony.
How do you know when you have true intimacy with your partner? Let me first give you my definition of intimacy.
Intimacy is when two people create an environment where there is a true heart to heart and spiritual connection. Their Souls seem to almost merge into one being. They feel a sense of peace, harmony, balance and unconditional acceptance for their partner. There is no battle of ego’s, no need to win, manipulate or control. There is an inner awareness that all is well and good with the world. That ‘I am where I am supposed to be and I am with the person I am destined to be with.’ Intimacy is not just a feeling, nor is it just knowing. It is a divine connection with another person. It is a spiritual connectedness.
Intimate relationships can be between a man and a woman or two people of the same sex. Two friends. Siblings. It can also be present in a relationship of a large group. When many people think of intimacy, they tend to think only of sexual intimacy. Although sex between two people who have achieved a high level of intimacy can be a wonderful experience, I am not referring to sex as a form of intimacy.