Words of wisdom for this week.
“We meet ourselves time and time again in a thousand disguises on the path of life.”
~ C Jung
One sure signal that a relationship is going sour is when intimacy is lost for whatever reason. There are four questions I would like to address in this tip. Granted each of these questions could be a lengthy article. So I am just going to give them the once over to get you thinking. I am confident that if there are any health care professionals reading this, they might take issue with some of my thoughts. Please keep in mind that this is only my take on the subject – and you can take them, if they work for you or leave them if they don’t.
1- What is intimacy? Intimacy does not imply a sexual overtone. You can have intimate relationships with your children, parents, friends of the same and opposite sex, even fellow employees. One of my goals as a speaker is to try to create an intimate relationship between the audience and me. Intimacy implies: trust, respect, acceptance, comfort, a spiritual connection, open communication, a lack of personal agendas and a controlled ego. Or, you can have a relationship with anyone lacking any or all of the above characteristics.
2- How do you create it? Well this is the tough one, folks. It takes time to build trust. It takes letting go of your ego to accept others and not project your issues toward the other person. It takes understanding and knowledge to build respect. It takes a willingness to listen and share with self-disclosure and a safe environment to develop open communication. And it takes a heart-centered – not a head-centered – philosophy to build a spiritual connection. It requires that one manage expectations, perceptions and attitudes. A lot, wouldn’t you say? This is why so few people have really intimate relationships. I know people who have been married for years (I was one of them) that fail to develop an intimate relationship with their spouse. We can raise kids for 20 years and still have superficial relationships with them. And you can never really know your parents. Intimacy is not just about time, but letting go and flowing with life as it unfolds.
3- What causes it to leave a relationship? Well, I could answer this one by suggesting you combine the information in questions one and two. But, I would rather you answer this one yourself. Take a few minutes. List those relationships you have, ones that you believe have intimacy and those that don’t. Any common denominators in either list?
4- Can you get it back once it is lost? Yes, no, and it depends.
How do you know whether you have true intimacy with your partner? Let me first add to my definition of intimacy. Most people tend to connect intimacy only with sex.
Intimacy is when two people create an environment where there is a true heart to heart connection. Their Souls seem to almost merge into one being. They feel a sense of peace, harmony, balance and unconditional love for their partner and when they are in their partner’s presence. There is no battle of ego’s, no need to win, manipulate or control. There is an inner awareness that all is well with the world. That ‘I am where I am supposed to be and I am now with the person I am destined to spend my life with.’ Intimacy is not just a feeling, nor is it just knowing. It is a divine connection with another person. It is a spiritual connectedness.
Let’s take a brief look at a few of the issues that prevent true intimacy in a relationship. This will help you determine where you can take corrective actions or develop new behaviors so you can experience a greater sense of intimacy in your relationships.
1. A lack of trust, respect or acceptance of the other person.
2. The fear of rejection.
3. A fear of letting yourself be who you really are.
4. A lack of self-love and or self-acceptance.
5. Letting your ego control your feelings, emotions and or attitudes.
6. An un-safe relationship.
7. Old emotional baggage on either person’s part.
8. A lack of self-trust.
9. Needing to protect yourself from invalidation by the other person.
10. Suppressed emotions like anger, frustration, blame or guilt.
11. When one or both people are under a great deal of stress.
12. When there is an emotional disconnect between one or both partners.
Intimacy is generally one of the first things to leave a relationship that is in trouble. It is close on the heels of trust, respect and acceptance. Can intimacy be re-kindled once it has been lost or is leaving a relationship? I am sure that there are many people who have been able to regain this valuable state in a once troubled relationship. However, generally speaking once a person goes over the edge or the line between intimacy and no intimacy generally I believe that it is next to impossible to re-capture these feelings and emotions.
A recent study on intimacy concluded that to maintain or increase a feeling of intimacy or get it back into a relationship, there are ten things you can do – just a list folks, if you want more information check the library, bookstore or the internet.
1)Humor
2)Self-disclosure
3)Commitment
4)Touch
5)Kindness and forgiveness
6)Arousal
7)Similarity
8)Novelty
9)Inhibitions
10)Proximity
That’s it folks …