Words of wisdom for this week.
“Immature love says ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.”
– Erich Fromm
In every relationship people send positive and negative subtle signals that send the message either I like you and l like being with you or I don’t like you and I would rather be with someone else or somewhere else. Most people fail to pay attention to all of these various signals and then seem shocked when the other person suddenly, from nowhere one day says, “I am out of here or let’s spend our life together in wedded bliss.”
I have been guilty of sending both positive and negative signals and in hindsight I can say I have not noticed many of the negative ones as well as the positive ones.
Why don’t people come right out and say the words rather than relying on these non-verbal signals to get their messages across? Haven’t a clue folks, but there are a few symptoms that we can observe if we want to avoid the shock of surprise of an ended relationship or prevent one from going further than we intend. People will tend to use this strategy:
- If the relationship is not perceived as ‘safe’ by the other person they will tend to rely on the subtle signal approach.
- If they feel insecure in the relationship or within themselves.
- If they have any of number of hidden agendas.
- If they lack confidence in themselves.
- If they have low self-esteem.
- If they are angry at themselves or the other person.
- If they lack the communication skills necessary to get the verbal messages across accurately.
- If they don’t want to take the responsibility for the consequences of the actions and secretly hope the other person “will get the message” without their having to go on record as the messanger.
- They are in some form of denial.
- They don’t like conflict.
How about you? In a relationship that is filled with lots of subtle signals and hidden agendas? What can you do?
- Recognize that procrastination causes stress, anxiety and increases your fear.
- Take responsibility for the quality of your own life and it’s outcomes.
- Ask for what you want. Don’t be ashamed of your desires, dreams and fears.
- Learn to communicate with honesty. Sooner or later it is the best approach.
- Learn to accept rejection as a normal part of the life process.
- Share your feelings and accept the other person’s reaction as theirs – not yours.
- Life keeps ticking. Spending time in a relationship that is not supportive or nurturing wastes life. Not asking for what you want keeps you stuck in fantasy-land and not reality.